Keys to the Kingdom: A Summary For The Average Layman
by aldybaron
Summary: ...Yes. (Crack)
1. lunes

Once upon a time there was some asthmatic kid who was totally not a reference to the mythical Lord Arthur. As he was choking to death on his school's lawn, a lazy hot guy with a super intimidating name suddenly appeared out of nowhere and stabbed him with a clock hand. The hot guy had second thoughts about it about a day later, so he sent his poor, maltreated servant (who was also a hot guy) to retrieve it. Since this is a fantasy book and the protagonist always miraculously manages to keep super important cosmic artefacts without even knowing what they are, the servant came back without it. Then, in a very predictab- uh, interesting turn of events, the asthmatic kid discovered the magical realm which the hot guy was a native of. He met two sidekicks - a frog that talked like an archetypal mad scientist, and a chavette whose parents died. All three of them kicked the lazy hot guy's ass soon after in the name of the Architect, who was basically that universe's god.

BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE!

It turned out that the frog WAS ACTUALLY an anthropomorphic personification (aka furry form) of the set of House Rules (BA DUM TSS) that the Architect instated and which everybody broke right away. It asked the asthmatic kid to do a bunch of stuff like kick the rest of the intimidatingly-named guys' asses, which he really didn't want to do. However, it breathed really deeply behind him and pressured him to the limit, so he had no choice but to follow its orders. Afterwards, he set off...


	2. martes

In the second book, our asthmatic hero ended up in some kind of steampunk dystopia. The air smelled a lot like weed, and the rain could corrode any living thing inside to out until it was nothing but a pile of gloop that looked like particularly nasty diarrhea. In order for him to confront the second baddie, Grim Tuesday, he had to sell himself into slavery. Luckily, the chavette rescued him quickly and the two of them progressed towards a giant tower. Inside, they found some real awesome shit including a wrinkly old guy with a OHKO weapon, the second part of the House Rules (who was an even bigger furry), and some really good metal. Afterwards, Tuesday's ass was finally kicked via a creativity contest.


	3. miyerkules

**A/N: Thanks for the review, DarkPaladin000. I tried lengthening this one as I realized that I might miss a few details if I made it as short as the last two.**

Right after defeating Tuesday, Arthur woke up in his mom's hospital. "Here we go again," Arthur sighed as he found an invitation underneath his pillow from who else but Lady Wednesday. "This is totally a surprising coincidence that I sure would have not expected even though I'm in a children's fantasy novel." So, of course, something related to Wednesday brought him back. Now, most would have assumed it would be a ship in the likes of the Dawn Treader or another archetypal grand fantasy boat, but this was the point in which Mr. Nix realized he was becoming trite. Instead, what came crashing in was the ocean itself, bringing Leaf as well for reasons that were surely not plot points. In an AMAZING AND SPECTACTULAR twist of events, Leaf was accidentally picked up by the ship that was supposed to deliver Arthur. A bunch of important stuff soon happened because of this mix-up, including the arrival of a designated exposition sorcerer, more info on Wednesday, and a battle with Feverfew. However, Wednesday's Dawn soon caught wind of this dire mistake and quickly brought Arthur to meet Wednesday. More exposition was provided, and Arthur finally understood what he was supposed to do. In typical fantasy hero style, he ordered his crew to voyage into Wednesday, grab the Will, kill Feverfew, and get the hell out of there. All was done as planned, but not before Wednesday succumbed to some really bad Nothing-caused diarrhea. This was not really a problem anymore, so Arthur put her out of her misery by zapping her with her key.

It was in this book that Arthur came to terms with the fact that he was in a fantasy story and had no choice but to agree to his heroic calling. "Alright, time to off Sir Thursday next." he grumbled.


	4. huwebes

**A/N: DarkPaladin000, Scamandros is there! He's the Designated Exposition Sorcerer.**

War. War never changes. That's why our hero was thrust into it.

After a bit of MORE exposition with a surprise cameo by Pravuil flaunting his new higher-than-a-hiphop-artist status, Arthur realized that serious chaos was beginning to erupt. One creepy-ass Nithling from two books back had sabotaged his already-withering plan of escape back to Earth, and his two former opponents had been killed ~*magically*~. Yes, that's right. Lazy Hot Guy and Tuesday were respectively stabbed and pushed into a pit of Nothing by an unknown assassin. However, since Arthur could probably care a little more about them, they were soon forgotten in favor of the aformentioned creepy-ass Nithling. Since Leaf seemed to have forgotten that she could go back right home there and then (albeit without Arthur), she became the new audience surrog- I mean, she decided to stay with Arthur as a secondary companion. A little while later, Arthur began to really freak out. In the past few books, he had been constantly bombarded with reminders that constantly using his Keys would slowly turn him into a Denizen. Luckily, Doctor Scamandros (the designated exposition sorcerer) had a MacGuffin just on hand. It showed Arthur exactly how close he was to becoming super tall and super hot, which at that moment was already a little too close for comfort. So our hero sucked it up, bit the bullet, and got to work. He allowed Leaf to somehow take down the Nithling, while he planned his modus operandi for Sir Thursday's poor little ass. Just as he was about to take off, he suddenly got a letter from Uncle Sam.

Yes, that's right.

Arthur was enlisted into the Army.

This is the point shit went down in what could possibly be the thickest book in the entire series.

Everything that transpired when the viewpoints split can only be briefly described. Leaf got stuck in the hospital and was infected by the mind-control spores of the Nithling. Arthur got trained, met a new party member, and had his memory wiped. Leaf ran to an kind old lady who patched her up. Arthur remembered some of himself. Kind old lady helped Leaf get to Arthur's House phone. Arthur got a threatening letter from Saturday. Leaf gave Suzy the Nithling's core. Arthur learned how to ride horses, was ordered to ride to army headquarters, and remembered more of himself. Suzy had a close call with some bishonen of Saturday's make whose identity was made extremely confusing via typos. Arthur completely remembered himself and got to Marshal Noon's fort, where he met up with Suzy and the plotlines finally converged.

Finally, our heroes got a glimpse of The Man himself. Sir Thursday was an angry little midget who whisked them all off to this huge-ass Nothing spike in the middle of nowh- the center of the entire f*cking Great Maze. Of course, it was inevitably all screwed up when Thursday got so angry in the midst of the operation that he killed 2 kids. Everybody made callout posts for him, and soon Arthur got the Key, freed the will, etc. However, nothing was particularly done yet. Arthur confronted the Piper and his sexy, sexy voice, but the Will ended the conversation early by spitting poison in the latter's face.

Afterwards, the whole series plunged into the deep abyss of darkness and edginess.


	5. biyernes

In the beginning of the 5th book, someone woke up in a hospital again. This time, it was Leaf. However, she didn't awaken in just any ordinary hospital. It was a tiny undersupplied clinic. A tiny undersupplied clinic that was just a BOGUS COVER FOR LADY FRIDAY SO THAT SHE COULD GET HIGH ON PEOPLE'S ~*HAPPINESS*~ and ~*DREAMS*~! So Leaf decided to do what any ordinary fantasy hero would do: pose as one of the people to be turned into marijuana, walk into Friday's sweet-ass mirror pool, and investigate exactly as to what kind of shit was happening. Along the way, she met two of Friday's disgruntled employees who turned out to be useful later on.

Meanwhile, Arthur had just gotten out of bed. The situation had been getting progressively worse, for the Piper had made all his "children" go super saiyan just to serve him and the remaining Trustees were being dicks as usual and not allowing Dame Primus to fix the uncontrollable Nothing diarrhea that was oh-so-generously spreading out through the House. To add insult to injury, Sneezer had then came in at just the right moment and told him that his mom didn't seem to be on Earth anymore.

"Well, f*ck this," Arthur said to himself, and was transported to a gold pressing facility in Friday's Meth House.

In the facility, Arthur discovered that it wasn't just Friday who was getting high. A bunch of idiots had apparently tried to follow in her suit, and were now reliving the shitty moments of some poor saps' lives. Afterwards, Suzy and some other kid who had become Arthur's friend showed up, this time with a Nithling farmer sent by the Piper to breathe over them really uncomfortably so that they wouldn't escape. Arthur concocted a super complex plan to fight the other Nithlings, which never became that understandable throughout the book.

While all of this was happening, Leaf was helping some guy turn people into Friday's marijuana. Later on, she managed to steal a call from the phone of Friday's Noon, who had turned out to be undeniably hotter than any other Noon previously mentioned in the series.

Anyway, what happened next was predictable enough: Arthur and co. met these cool guys in costumes who led him to the Will, Leaf did something really heroic, Friday's Dawn helped him get to Friday, the Mariner appeared at a very plot-appropriate moment, and Friday herself was told to Just Say No!


End file.
